With Christmas fast approaching, Jesus Christ has announced that rather than offering prayers and kind thoughts to your fellow man, this year he would actually quite like a Sony Playstation 5. Jesus himself is traditionally ignored on his birthday, with most of his followers believing that spending an hour or so thinking about him is enough of a gift in itself. One Christian told us, “It’s nothing personal, it’s just really difficult to buy for a man who has already had a couple of thousand birthdays. “There are only so many pairs of socks or t-shirts with amusing slogans you can get someone. “It’s not even like we can get him some jokey old person present, because he doesn’t look a day over 33.” Jesus himself said it was time to be a little clearer with his birthday wishes, as so many people were ignoring him. He said, “It gets a bit annoying when people have all these massive parties all over the place, on MY birthday, and don’t even invite me. “For example, I heard last year’s bash at Downing Street was off the hook, but I never heard a peep from anyone.” Jesus continued, “Year on year I hope that peace on earth will be the best birthday gift I could possibly receive – but every year, without fail, you utter twats continue shooting and blowing each other up – worst of all a lot of it is done in my Dad’s name. “It really ruins my ‘Memas’ dinner if I’m honest. “So this year, to lessen the disappointment, I’ve asked for a PS5.” Jesus was keen to make sure his request was adhered to and no misinterpretation among his followers takes place. “I have learned that giving you earth people even the slightest ambiguity in my instructions means you will wilfully misinterpret them for your own ends. “Thou shalt not commit adultery, well that one went well, eh Boris? I suppose I should be grateful that you’ve pretty much eliminated Ox coveting. “So I want to be crystal clear, I’m not talking Xbox Series X, I’m not talking Switch, I’m not even talking a retro GameBoy, I want a PS5 – and nothing else.” Religious groups have been quick to rejoice in Jesus’ latest proclamation insisting that it shows God wants us to enjoy ourselves more and make time for play. One senior Anglican spokesperson told us, “The PS5 reference is clearly God telling us that we’re working too hard and we need to spend time playing with loved ones to appreciate the gift of life He has given us. “It’s subtle, but luckily there are experts like us around to decipher exactly what He wants.”
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